would you still

i blame myself yet idk if its me to blame everyday i struggle with it more and more i put on a different face but the cracks grow everyday. i wonder if i wouldnt have been trying to show you all the stupid shit of my life and kept you free of it would shit have turned out differently and ik its wrong to try to find a way to make me feel like it wasnt my fault but i still cant help wonder if i stopped my stupid ass shit i was doing and finally admitted it wasnt worth it and did better would you have been here to laugh at the near misses we had and getting ready to make a better world together but i do know this can you forgive me for my part of the grand scheme of things can you tell me it wasnt my fault can you give me one last day of joking around being care free? could you forgive me for not being a better friend and a better man? could you just say you happy and whole and pain free? this is the guilt with which i deal everyday can i ever make it up to you and will you allow me rest in peace bro knowing i trade my life for yours ina single second causw you truly were the better person in every aspect and you should be here alive where you loved ones deserve you to be and i derserve the fate that got you but should have took me instead i hope you know i will always carry my guilt and wish it would have been me instead.
-rip bro you shouldnt have been taken early your life was worth way more and i wish i could swap places so you could be here laughing and smiling with those who need and want you and deserve to have you have back